What to serve at your Oscar party when you’re obsessed with puns.

It’s a very special time of year. Winter is fading to spring. Upper arms are getting shot up with vaccines. And Hollywood producers are praying that their FYC campaigns were enough to buy them a golden statue that will one day end up in a dumpster somewhere because they’re just objects we cannot take with us when we die. It’s Academy Awards weekend! I’m what you might consider a connoisseur of the red carpet, as in 2018 I was invited (allowed) to attend the ceremony as a very special guest (seat filler). At one point I was even gracious enough to pose for a photo for Helen Mirren (I happened to be in frame when she was trying to get a picture of the Coco flowers):

That’s me in front in the navy lace dress. I know… STUNNING.

And if my time in the Dolby Theater wasn’t impressive enough, I am also a well seasoned punner. That’s right. In my household of two, I am by far the second best thinker of puns. I honestly don’t know how I’ve been able to stay so grounded. If you’re anything like the two people who inhabit my condo, you feel an Oscar party would be incomplete without a plethora of puns. Maybe it’s because you recently became a Dad and are in sudden need of terrible jokes. Or perhaps you’re a crossword puzzle enthusiast who gets high on wordplay and needs a fresh hit. Maybe you wasted your youth thinking pun-writing skills would help you break into comedy writing and now you simply cannot turn that brain function off, no matter how empty it makes you feel inside (I overshared on that last one, didn’t I?). Whatever the reason, you need an Oscar-themed pun menu and, goddamnit, I’m gonna give it to you:

APPETIZERS

Anthony Hopkins in The Father

Gotta start with the awards show staples: popcorn and an old white guy.

The Trial of the Chicago 7

Salsa, cheese, guac, sour cream… you get it. RECIPE.

DRINKS

Daniel Kaluuya in Judas and the Black Messiah

One part Jack Daniels. One part Kahlua. All parts drunk. RECIPE

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

For extra credit, add black cherries. RECIPE

Main course

Nomadland

Lamb meatballs with a side of greek goddess sauce. YUM. RECIPE

The Sound of Metal

Pizza with caramelized onions, fennel and olives. RECIPE

The Mole Agent

A quick cameo for the Dough Boy.

Dessert

Carey Mulligan in Promising Young Woman

Lemon bars with shortbread crust. RECIPE

Other Menu Ideas:

Olivia Colman in The Father

Olivia Cold Brew: Iced coffee or a cold beer. You decide!

Riz Ahmed in The Sound of Metal

Brie-z Ahmed: Cheese Plate. Yeah, this one’s a stretch.

Minari

Gin-ari: A gin cocktail. RECIPE *sub the watercress garnish for minari to really impress (or annoy) your guests.